Our Journey

For Better or Worse

Lost, Confused, Bitter

I know it’s been a while since I’ve logged on or made an entry. I’ve been trying to digest and work out my feelings about what’s happened to us recently.

Well, on my last day in Singapore for work, I phoned my husband to check in. It’s a daily ritual for us if either of us is away for work. I asked him how he was & at first I thought he was only joking when he replied by saying “terrible”. I asked why as I put another mouthful of breakfast in my mouth. Appetite was lost!

Unfortunately he was let go at work & this time he’s decided he wanted to study and get his MBA instead of going back to work. I felt for him, I felt for me. I needed to be supportive not to upset him more than he already was so I said I’d support him in his decision.

I was of course in a panic for the rest of the day! How in world were we going to survive in expensive Sydney and go through IVF? Was my income sufficient enough for the both if us? I’m not young any longer where I can work 2 or 3 jobs like I used to in able to support the 2 of us. I don’t want to work multiple jobs anymore! My mind was working overtime! I was confused, hurt, angry & yet had to keep my composure at work in front of my colleagues.

So, here I am, a little over 3 weeks before this bad news came to our world. I’m still confused, hurt, angry & now bitter!

A couple of days after my arrival back home, he tells me that he wanted to study full time & to move to Adelaide! I should be excited with all of this, but additional to this news was moving in with my parents. I’ve often said I wanted to move back home & be closer to my family, I just didn’t expect to be living with my parents. I’m 36 years old who hasn’t lived at home since the age of 16 & now my husband wants US to live with my parents! I was petrified! I’m still petrified! I didn’t know how my parents would react to that so I called my younger brother who thought it was a brilliant idea. “Ma and Pa would be excited!” he said! “Ma & Pa needs someone to live with them.” he said. I must admit, that made me feel a little better, but I needed to hear it from my mother! I needed to know what she had to say, but they just left for an overseas trip for a couple of months. I was nervous & anxious to speak to her. What was I going to say? How am I going to say it?

I also called my cousin whom I grew very close with in the last 6 years. I really didn’t want to upset her by her hearing my trembly voice as it was her birthday, but I needed to talk to someone! I needed to release. Once she picked up the phone, I bawled my eyes out. I could hear in her voice that she was concerned, she wanted to come by but had already scheduled to spend the day with her family. I was ok with that, I just really needed to release and cry! I know it was selfish of me to do it on her birthday, I just couldn’t help it. If there was one person who could understand my feelings, it was her!

I managed to get hold of my parents and advised my mother of the situation. Not surprisingly, she was supportive and actually said that as soon as they come home, she’ll clean our room ready for us. I must admit I was relieved. It was like a weight off my shoulders.

So here I am, husband has applied for at the University of SA, still waiting for confirmation as to whether he’s been accepted. He’s also applied at Newcastle University which would lead me to another feeling of bitterness and confusion. Why Newcastle?

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned before by my husband’s best friend moved to Newcastle in September with his family. I couldn’t help think, “Does he want to move to Newcastle to be closer to his friend?” But I would try and deny that, trying to convince myself that my husband is more logical and stable than that.

So these are some of my thoughts. Each day they change. There are happy days, there are days that I cry, days of I motivation, days of anger…. I guess I’m a roller coaster of emotions at the moment. Each day a new thought comes into my mind.

What about IVF? I’d have to put that on hold again until we’re settled as I can’t possibly be going through IVF and move my home at the same time.

Will work allow me to move in a state where we don’t have a office? I work remotely so I’m hoping my boss will be ok with that.

What about when my husband’s needs to have his kidney transplant? Will that mean that his mum will have to live with my parents too? That’s a bit much for them. Not only are they going to have to adjust for me, but now I’m taking home my husband & possibly his mum too!

How am I going to sell all of our stuff, our furniture, appliances? How am I going to move all that?

I’ve been a very independent person! Lived on my own at the age of 16, paid for my own education & worked multiple jobs to survive & now, moving home at 36!

This is all too much!

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December 8, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , | Leave a comment