Our Journey

For Better or Worse

From 9 to none!

I know I seem to be going back and forth with our experience, but I do tend to just write about what I’m feeling at the time.

Today, I wanted to share with you the numbers game…

During egg retrieval (as some would refer to as ER), they manged to collect 9 eggs. I was excited by this as I thought that those were great numbers and we’d have the ability to then freeze some!

I wanted to remember that day, the day they “fertilized my egg” so to say so, I took a photo of my palm where the embryologist had written the number of eggs retrieved.

2014-08-08 13.03.34By the time transfer day, there were 3 left & 1 was advanced with 11 cells.  That’s the one which was transferred as the other 2 weren’t as developed.

2014-08-12 18.02.55

I was told that they’d wait until the following day to see if the other 2 would develop and they’d let me know if they’re able to freeze that or not.  Unfortunately, they didn’t make it so no frozen embies for us.





August 25, 2014 Posted by | IVF | , , , , | Leave a comment

The Results Are In…

I called the clinic yesterday and informed the nurse of my slight bleeding. She asked if I wanted to go to and have the blood test sooner and of course I agreed. That was this morning at 8am. 3.5 hours later, I received a call, the quickest result I’ve ever received. As soon as I picked up that phone and heard the nurse’s voice, I knew it was over! It’s negative she says. I wasn’t quite sure how to react. I tell my husband the result and he said he had a feeling that was going to be the answer.

I haven’t cried, I haven’t grieved, I still don’t know how I should be feeling! Disappointed? Of course! But it is what it is, there’s nothing I nor my husband can do to change the result.

What’s next for us?

I think for now, we’ll have to concentrate on our new home, go on our Christmas & New Years holidays and re-visit this next year when we have saved again and can afford to go through the whole process again.

August 23, 2014 Posted by | Tests & Results | , | 1 Comment

Fast Forward…

It’s now August 2014, so about 14 months since I last posted.  So much has happened… travelled to so many different places, Cayman Island and got to swim with sting rays, went to Disneyworld in Orlando for the first time in my life, shopped in Miami, got to visit Taj Mahal, Jaipur, caught a train in Delhi to Agra, see the White House, the Rocky Balboa statue in Philly, see North Carolina lifestyle, see the London Eye, Buckingham Palace, walked on the London Tower Bridge, see Sagrada Familia, flew over the Alp, see an active volcano and Waikiki Beach and so much more.

So after all of these travelling, I decided it was time, time to finally settle and get our lives sorted out. Of course, discussion had to be had with the husband. I couldn’t make the decisions on my own, after all we were in a partnership.  We were going to make a decision whether to stay in Adelaide or go back to Sydney…  The conversation became debates to arguments. Husband wanted to go back and needless to say, so did I, but it wasn’t a realistic and economical decision for us. He had no intention on going back to the workforce and I couldn’t afford to support us living in Sydney.  And as contradicting as this may sound, I opted to purchase a townhouse in Adelaide instead.  I can afford to pay the mortgage here!  In fact, my mortgate was going to be less than my rent, so off I went and went through the whole process.

Next, I wanted a family so we decided to go ahead and proceed with IVF, the procedure which I put on hold for 18 months. It doesn’t come without any hurdle of course as during my blood test, they identified that I had Hypothyroidism.  My TSH which is meant to be between .4 to 4,7 was 55.24.  The specialist asked if I was feeling tired, losing hair, dry skin, feeling cold, depressed?  All of which I felt but simply ignored due to the different factors:

  • Tiredness – I was working long hours and travelled quite a bit. I drank a LOT of coffee to compensate for this although looking back, even after a few coffees, I still needed to take a nap
  • Losing hair – did’t really take much notice of it, but looking back at it now, there was a lot of hair on my carpet floor!
  • Dry skin – I simply put this to not drinking enough water due to winter hence the chapped lips
  • Feeling cold – it’s winter, you can’t help but feel cold!
  • Depressed – did I ever!  But I just put that down to stress at work & living with my parents at my age!

So after being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I had to get on Thyroxin for 6 weeks and wait for my TSH to go back to normal before we could start on the process to eliminate complications during the pregnancy & the health of our potential baby.

Once my TSH was back to normal and the first day of my cycle arrived, I started with my hormone injections.  They’re as follows:

  • Gonal F every night from Day 2 of my cyle for 8 nights
  • Organlutran began on Day 6 of my cycle for 6 nights
  • Ovidrel Trigger shot was on Day 11 of my cycle
  • Egg retrieval on 8 August
  • Egg transfer on 12 August

2014-08-02 21.07.43

During the above process, my mood swings were completely out of whack!  I’m already a moody person and I got to give to my husband for being patient with me.  I’ve been teary, irritible and just plain difficult to deal with!  My breasts were very sensitive for about a week and has since gone back to normal – no pain, but still slightly bigger than normal.

It’s now 22 August, which is 10DPT and I’m starting to bleed. I’m unsure if it’s implantation or if ICSI didn’t work.  I’ve called the clinic but unfortunately I haven’t been able to get hold of a nurse and now waiting for them to call me back.

I’ve held off with POAS as I’ve been told that this can at times be incorrect and a BT would be more accurate.  Besides, husband won’t allow me to purchase them anyway as he’d prefer to wait until BT day. That’s on Monday, 3 days from now!  I’m unsure if I’m going to be able to hold off!

I’ve been a reading a lot of forums to see if this is normal and it seems that some still come up with a BFP even when they do bleed so I guess really, I won’t know until Monday afternoon!


August 22, 2014 Posted by | IVF | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lost, Confused, Bitter

I know it’s been a while since I’ve logged on or made an entry. I’ve been trying to digest and work out my feelings about what’s happened to us recently.

Well, on my last day in Singapore for work, I phoned my husband to check in. It’s a daily ritual for us if either of us is away for work. I asked him how he was & at first I thought he was only joking when he replied by saying “terrible”. I asked why as I put another mouthful of breakfast in my mouth. Appetite was lost!

Unfortunately he was let go at work & this time he’s decided he wanted to study and get his MBA instead of going back to work. I felt for him, I felt for me. I needed to be supportive not to upset him more than he already was so I said I’d support him in his decision.

I was of course in a panic for the rest of the day! How in world were we going to survive in expensive Sydney and go through IVF? Was my income sufficient enough for the both if us? I’m not young any longer where I can work 2 or 3 jobs like I used to in able to support the 2 of us. I don’t want to work multiple jobs anymore! My mind was working overtime! I was confused, hurt, angry & yet had to keep my composure at work in front of my colleagues.

So, here I am, a little over 3 weeks before this bad news came to our world. I’m still confused, hurt, angry & now bitter!

A couple of days after my arrival back home, he tells me that he wanted to study full time & to move to Adelaide! I should be excited with all of this, but additional to this news was moving in with my parents. I’ve often said I wanted to move back home & be closer to my family, I just didn’t expect to be living with my parents. I’m 36 years old who hasn’t lived at home since the age of 16 & now my husband wants US to live with my parents! I was petrified! I’m still petrified! I didn’t know how my parents would react to that so I called my younger brother who thought it was a brilliant idea. “Ma and Pa would be excited!” he said! “Ma & Pa needs someone to live with them.” he said. I must admit, that made me feel a little better, but I needed to hear it from my mother! I needed to know what she had to say, but they just left for an overseas trip for a couple of months. I was nervous & anxious to speak to her. What was I going to say? How am I going to say it?

I also called my cousin whom I grew very close with in the last 6 years. I really didn’t want to upset her by her hearing my trembly voice as it was her birthday, but I needed to talk to someone! I needed to release. Once she picked up the phone, I bawled my eyes out. I could hear in her voice that she was concerned, she wanted to come by but had already scheduled to spend the day with her family. I was ok with that, I just really needed to release and cry! I know it was selfish of me to do it on her birthday, I just couldn’t help it. If there was one person who could understand my feelings, it was her!

I managed to get hold of my parents and advised my mother of the situation. Not surprisingly, she was supportive and actually said that as soon as they come home, she’ll clean our room ready for us. I must admit I was relieved. It was like a weight off my shoulders.

So here I am, husband has applied for at the University of SA, still waiting for confirmation as to whether he’s been accepted. He’s also applied at Newcastle University which would lead me to another feeling of bitterness and confusion. Why Newcastle?

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned before by my husband’s best friend moved to Newcastle in September with his family. I couldn’t help think, “Does he want to move to Newcastle to be closer to his friend?” But I would try and deny that, trying to convince myself that my husband is more logical and stable than that.

So these are some of my thoughts. Each day they change. There are happy days, there are days that I cry, days of I motivation, days of anger…. I guess I’m a roller coaster of emotions at the moment. Each day a new thought comes into my mind.

What about IVF? I’d have to put that on hold again until we’re settled as I can’t possibly be going through IVF and move my home at the same time.

Will work allow me to move in a state where we don’t have a office? I work remotely so I’m hoping my boss will be ok with that.

What about when my husband’s needs to have his kidney transplant? Will that mean that his mum will have to live with my parents too? That’s a bit much for them. Not only are they going to have to adjust for me, but now I’m taking home my husband & possibly his mum too!

How am I going to sell all of our stuff, our furniture, appliances? How am I going to move all that?

I’ve been a very independent person! Lived on my own at the age of 16, paid for my own education & worked multiple jobs to survive & now, moving home at 36!

This is all too much!

December 8, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , | Leave a comment

Shattered Hope….

Today is my first day of my monthly, which was a couple of days late, which is normally on time.
Was I shattered when it finally arrived this morning!

I had hoped for a miracle. I was hoping I could justify the constant craving for chocolates, the constant tiredness, but to no avail, these were simply symptoms of PMS.

The last 2 days, I dreamt of how I would tell my husband that I was late, how I would tell our family and friends that we are expecting, how I would try and avoid drinking wine with my friends during our social gatherings! Yes, it was just a dream & it was to remain a dream!

Now, to drink my tea, go for a run to clear my head and get rid of the excess junk I’ve indulged in for a week! I might as well get rid of this weight I’m putting on for no good reason!

October 26, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , | Leave a comment


Husband & I finally spoke very briefly about the what we needed to do.

I’ve looked at the dates and approximately when we should go through ICSI. Since it looks like I may need to go to Singapore for work in November, the we’re off to our Christmas cruise to the South Pacific in December, January seemed like the right time. This is of course provided work does send our team to Europe for a meeting in February!

I know! I know! It seems like I’m letting work take over our plans, but realistically we’re on a catch 22. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid which is what we need for the procedure, puts a shelter over our head, food in out mouth & clothes on our back. Yes, my husband works, but living in Sydney is not cheap by any means.

As husband and I were on our dinner date, he received an email from his mother advising him that she wants him to have his kidney transplant in January. That kind of blew me away!

As mentioned in my one of my previous entries, my husband has an illness. He has a kidney condition which has affected both kidneys and will eventually need a transplant. His mother has volunteered to be a kidney donor & since she’s not getting any younger, she wants him to have the transplant soon, in 4 months!

This has of course left me confused. I love my husband, there’s no denying that & I would be selfish to deprive him of this opportunity. It’s just now changed our plans. I can’t go through ICSI and him a kidney transplant, plus his mother be a donor.

O yes, I failed to mention that his mother lives in New York, so will need to come and live with us for a minimum of 6 months to be monitored after the surgery. I can’t possibly look after 2 recovering people & try getting pregnant at the same time. It’s just not going to work.

I was speechless when my husband told me this over dinner. I’m still confused and now lost as to what we need to do.

September 29, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , | 1 Comment

Finding Out What I Already Know…

Finding out the results from my husband’s test yesterday was not a surprise. Although secretly, I was hoping for a better outcome.

Unfortunately my husband wasn’t able to come with me due to work commitments. Some would say that it isn’t fair for me to go alone, but under the circumstances, I didn’t mind. I wasn’t sure how my husband would have handled knowing that he had very little chance of giving me a child naturally.

I tried explaining the results to my husband over the phone without hurting his feelings. I don’t think I did a very good job at it, or at least did a good job explaining it to him as he said we’d discuss it when he got home or the following evening. (He had work commitments after work)

I’m sure that he’s disappointed and hurting inside, but he’s just not the type of person to come out with his feelings. Instead, he just keeps quite which is worse as I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling! Does he think he’s dissapointed me? Does he think he’s incompetent? Is he in denial? Does he want to go through ICSI? I just don’t know!

It’s been over 24 hours since I’ve received the results and had ample of opportunity to discuss it with my husband, go through the forms provided to me, go through the procedure and timelines, but I haven’t had the courage to do so. All of the above thoughts are going through my mind. Maybe tomorrow I’ll discuss it with him.

Am I in denial? Am I hoping that the results might change?

Afraid so!

This morning, my best friend finally updated her Facebook status with: “Here we go again… 26 weeks to go!!” Another friend posted up a photo of their baby’s scan and 2 others had posted up photos of their new borns. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, I’m just feeling quite dissapointed that it’s not me!

September 28, 2012 Posted by | Tests & Results | , , , , | 1 Comment

Baby Talk Again…

Over a week ago, my husband and I were due to go back to Adelaide to visit our family before the Christmas period. I know it seems quite early, but as everyone is going overseas a month before Christmas, it seemed the perfect time.

Plus, it was my brother’s 40th on Saturday.

My husband and I opted to leave our car at my best friend’s apartment as she lived close to the airport. I was going to work from her place on that day, but my instinct told me not to as I wasn’t really in the mood to discuss our difficulties in getting pregnant with my best friend. Although she’s aware of it already as we discussed it over skype one day, I wasn’t ready for the face to face conversation. I didn’t want to be upset by the situation.

I booked a taxi from her place 5 minutes after we arrived at her place. Just enough time to say hi and good bye, but as we got upstairs, her husband was home early from work which normally means he would offer to take us to the airport. Not that I wasn’t appreciative, I just didn’t want to give them the opportunity to ask any questions. As it turned out, I cancelled the taxi as they were insisted he take us to the airport.

As we were chatting, my best friend looked at me and said she had something to tell me. I looked up at her and said jokingly: “You’re pregnant!” Was I ever surprised when she broke down in tears!

One, I didn’t expect her to be pregnant so soon. She only gave birth 7 months ago! Two, why was she crying? Was she not happy?

I asked her what was on my mind and her reply was: “You know why!”

I didn’t!

She pulled me aside to the nursery where she continued to cry & she finally managed to say that it was the wrong time as she knew we were having difficulties conceiving.

I was shocked by this as I was not expecting it. I wasn’t even thinking of the situation which my husband and I were in. I was just happy and excited for her. I consoled her and told her that it was fine, not to worry about us as we knew what we needed to do to make our own family.

As my husband and I boarded the plane, I sent my best friend a message to let her know we were ok and that we will be ok, but as I watched the in-flight entertainment, I started to get teary.

My joy and excitement for my best friend and her family continued, but I wondered why we were put in this situation. Not only does my husband have a serious kidney condition, but we now also face the challenge and the possibility of not having our own family. It broke my heart, but didn’t allow my husband to see the pain which hit me.

While in Adelaide, I took the opportunity to meet another girlfriend’s baby girl. She’s only about 5 weeks old and of course gorgeous. I held her from the moment we walked and she barely cried, at least until we were about to leave as she was hungry. While talking, all I hoped for was for my friend and her mother not to ask when we were going to plan on having our first child. It would just make it an uncomfortable situation as neither of them knew of our situation. Thank goodness no-one raised this question. I would have been open with my friend had she asked, but preferably on a one on one basis.

My aunt whom I approached a few weeks back came over to my mother’s house one evening. We chatted a bit about IVF as I knew that she done the procedure a few times. She openly informed me that she went through the cycle 3 times and all of these times, she wasn’t successful. I knew how much she wanted to have a child of her own as she treated all of my siblings, cousins and myself as her own. She encouraged me to go through the procedure. She advised me to do this now and not to wait any longer to which I agreed with of course.

We find out my husband’s result this Thursday from our specialist. Hopefully this will guide us as to what our next steps will need to be.

September 24, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , , | Leave a comment

Here We Are….

There are moments when you just sit down and reflect, look back where you came from and prepare yourself for the journey ahead.

11 years ago I found my soul mate.

To make a long story short…

My best friend and I were out on a cold August evening, ready to party the night away at our usual Saturday night hang out. Little did I know, that was the evening I was going to meet him.

There we were, making a dent on the dance floor when we both saw a dark guy with a goatee and glasses dancing up on stage like he owned it. We had a giggle to ourselves and made a joke that this guy looked like Puff Daddy, not realising he was one of our friend’s friend.

We continued to mind our own business, thinking we were the coolest girls in the club. Eventually, we were introduced to ‘Puff Daddy’ where our journey began.

My husband was on a business visa in Sydney for a couple of weeks, however ended up staying for five months. We travelled to Auckland in between to renew his visa, but when it was time for him to return to Texas, I lost control. I was a mess and didn’t realise how hard I had fallen for this gentle, affectionate, persistent and loving man.

We communicated via e-mail, phone and instant messenger. He came back to Sydney every two months and I visited him in Texas every six months for the next year. I offered to move to the States, however he refused as he knew I would be away from my family. He eventually applied for his residency in Australia and made the big move. It was tough for a few years as he didn’t have a job upon his arrival. In able to keep us afloat, I worked two to three jobs.

We married in January 2011 and have been trying to get pregnant from the moment we came back from our wedding. That was 20 months ago.

In between these 20 months, 3 our very close friends (including my best friend who I was with when I met my husband) have had their first child and another is due in a couple of months.

When my best friend announced that she was pregnant, tears of joy fell down my cheeks. Although it wasn’t much of a surprise as we just came back from a couple’s trip and noticed that she wasn’t smoking, drinking and had put on weight, I was happy for her and her husband, there was no doubt about that. I now have a beautiful god daughter.

When the next friend announced that she was pregnant, again, I was happy for her and her husband as I knew they had been trying for quite some time and went through a tough time when she had miscarried a couple of months back. She now has a gorgeous little boy.

One evening early this year, a received a phone call from another friend to announce that she too was pregnant. That was a surprise as we were just discussing pregnancy a month prior during my trip back home. Again, exciting news! She now has a gorgeous little girl whom I’m looking forward to meeting next week.

A few months back, another couple of our friends asked us to come over to their house to show us their photos from their recent trip back from our homeland. I was blind sighted when they announced they too were pregnant! I wasn’t aware that they were planning to have a family, but again, tears of joy rolled down my cheeks. She’s due to give birth early November.

That same evening, the same group of friends came over to our house for dinner – to celebrate.

My husband opened a bottle of Moet and a bottle of Pol Roger to celebrate my best friend giving birth and another pregnancy on the way. The night was merry and when they all left with the exception of one other girl friend who was also trying to get pregnant & recently miscarried, had a bit of a cry reminding ourselves that within our close nit group, we were the only two left who hasn’t had their first child or expecting their first child.

There was no denying that I was happy for my girlfriends, however wondered why I wasn’t going through the same journey as them. I felt a pang of jealousy and a tinge of envy.

I soon made an appointment with the doctor to find out why it was taking us so long to conceive.

I had a blood test and ultra sound which both showed that I didn’t have any issues conceiving.

My husband then had his blood test which also showed that his hormone levels were normal, but that wasn’t enough. I made another appointment with the same doctor hoping to get further tests done for both my husband and perhaps a prescription for Clomid, but he referred us to the fertility specialist straight away.

I finally made the appointment with the specialist hoping he would simply prescribe me some Clomid to make me more fertile, but he requested I do another blood test to check if I was producing enough eggs. My husband on the other hand had to get further tests done.

A couple of weeks later, we received our results. I had plenty of eggs and was advised yet again that I didn’t have any issues getting pregnant, however my husband needed to get further tests done. The meeting with the doctor was a little mind blowing as I was expecting to be the one with the issue, however in hindsight, I wasn’t really surprised as my husband does have an illness and his medication may have affected him. The specialist mentioned that we may need to go through a procedure called ICSI which is something I have never heard of before. The only word I knew was IVF and didn’t know what the difference between the two was.

My husband had to do further tests and we’re due to receive the results in 3 weeks. In the meantime, I’ve been researching about ICSI and IVF and finding out the difference between the 2. I’ve had a bit of a cry, but know that if this is something which we have to do, then so be it.

September 6, 2012 Posted by | Tests & Results | , , , , , | Leave a comment