Our Journey

For Better or Worse

Life Full of Contradictions…

Husband & I have been living with my parents for almost 5 months now. Tonight was the first night my father actually spoke to me, I mean in terms of conversation. I don’t even know if that was a conversation or just lecturing!

During dinner my mother asked why I was going to be in the US for so long & if it was all for work. I didn’t understand why she asked me this question as she knew full we’ll that part of it is a holiday. She was there when I was having a conversation with my cousin organising the trip. Nevertheless, I told her that part of it was for a vacation. She didn’t seem pleased with my response so I asked if I didn’t have the right to have a holiday. Probably not the best thing to say, but it just rolled out f my tongue. I think she was taken aback by this & definitely my father. It clearly bothered him as he asked if I knew I was leaving someone behind, meaning my husband. Of course I knew! But I couldn’t tell him that, after all, I am still the daughter. He continued to lecture me on the following:

-my husband doesn’t work & he couldn’t understand why he can’t have job as well as study. It’s a man’s job to work for a living! I explained to him that Husband is looking for a part tim job & that husband supported me while we were living in Sydney. This just brought another question as to where my money is as I have been or working since the age of 14. I explained that I lived in Sydney & life is challenging there. That just brought on another lecture of – I should know better – meaning I should have moved back to Adelaide to void the hardship! -my mother washing his clothes. I explained that mother will not let us wash the clothes -it pains him to see me working. I explained that I enjoy my job! He still continued to say it hurts him to see me work. -my brother working night shift & then going for a run everyday! I explained that it’s his choice! -how they don’t go out eating out all the time as their income is just enough for 2! I had plenty of comebacks for that but I shut my mouth! -how they want to go on holidays too. I told him that he can too but he said it’s not that easy! Again, I had plenty to say about that too, but I shut my mouth. -how he wants to take his sister on a holiday as she’s never been on a plane.

I stopped commenting as we’d just get into an argument! There was a lot of anger and emotions flowing inside me, but I kept it all in. There was no use! All he would as is I’m defending my husband. Yes, I am as my husband has treated me well. Yes, I clean up after him, and so does my mother for him, her husband. Just before dinner, she was irritated that he wouldn’t eat dinner until she had prepared it for him. Yes, he is brings in the money and so is she! My husband was bringing in the money too, paid for my holidays in the past, took me out to dinner, bought me jewellery and more! Yes, we have arguments, yes we fight, we have challenges, but we support each other & we’re happy!

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June 6, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Finding Out What I Already Know…

Finding out the results from my husband’s test yesterday was not a surprise. Although secretly, I was hoping for a better outcome.

Unfortunately my husband wasn’t able to come with me due to work commitments. Some would say that it isn’t fair for me to go alone, but under the circumstances, I didn’t mind. I wasn’t sure how my husband would have handled knowing that he had very little chance of giving me a child naturally.

I tried explaining the results to my husband over the phone without hurting his feelings. I don’t think I did a very good job at it, or at least did a good job explaining it to him as he said we’d discuss it when he got home or the following evening. (He had work commitments after work)

I’m sure that he’s disappointed and hurting inside, but he’s just not the type of person to come out with his feelings. Instead, he just keeps quite which is worse as I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling! Does he think he’s dissapointed me? Does he think he’s incompetent? Is he in denial? Does he want to go through ICSI? I just don’t know!

It’s been over 24 hours since I’ve received the results and had ample of opportunity to discuss it with my husband, go through the forms provided to me, go through the procedure and timelines, but I haven’t had the courage to do so. All of the above thoughts are going through my mind. Maybe tomorrow I’ll discuss it with him.

Am I in denial? Am I hoping that the results might change?

Afraid so!

This morning, my best friend finally updated her Facebook status with: “Here we go again… 26 weeks to go!!” Another friend posted up a photo of their baby’s scan and 2 others had posted up photos of their new borns. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, I’m just feeling quite dissapointed that it’s not me!

September 28, 2012 Posted by | Tests & Results | , , , , | 1 Comment

Here We Are….

There are moments when you just sit down and reflect, look back where you came from and prepare yourself for the journey ahead.

11 years ago I found my soul mate.

To make a long story short…

My best friend and I were out on a cold August evening, ready to party the night away at our usual Saturday night hang out. Little did I know, that was the evening I was going to meet him.

There we were, making a dent on the dance floor when we both saw a dark guy with a goatee and glasses dancing up on stage like he owned it. We had a giggle to ourselves and made a joke that this guy looked like Puff Daddy, not realising he was one of our friend’s friend.

We continued to mind our own business, thinking we were the coolest girls in the club. Eventually, we were introduced to ‘Puff Daddy’ where our journey began.

My husband was on a business visa in Sydney for a couple of weeks, however ended up staying for five months. We travelled to Auckland in between to renew his visa, but when it was time for him to return to Texas, I lost control. I was a mess and didn’t realise how hard I had fallen for this gentle, affectionate, persistent and loving man.

We communicated via e-mail, phone and instant messenger. He came back to Sydney every two months and I visited him in Texas every six months for the next year. I offered to move to the States, however he refused as he knew I would be away from my family. He eventually applied for his residency in Australia and made the big move. It was tough for a few years as he didn’t have a job upon his arrival. In able to keep us afloat, I worked two to three jobs.

We married in January 2011 and have been trying to get pregnant from the moment we came back from our wedding. That was 20 months ago.

In between these 20 months, 3 our very close friends (including my best friend who I was with when I met my husband) have had their first child and another is due in a couple of months.

When my best friend announced that she was pregnant, tears of joy fell down my cheeks. Although it wasn’t much of a surprise as we just came back from a couple’s trip and noticed that she wasn’t smoking, drinking and had put on weight, I was happy for her and her husband, there was no doubt about that. I now have a beautiful god daughter.

When the next friend announced that she was pregnant, again, I was happy for her and her husband as I knew they had been trying for quite some time and went through a tough time when she had miscarried a couple of months back. She now has a gorgeous little boy.

One evening early this year, a received a phone call from another friend to announce that she too was pregnant. That was a surprise as we were just discussing pregnancy a month prior during my trip back home. Again, exciting news! She now has a gorgeous little girl whom I’m looking forward to meeting next week.

A few months back, another couple of our friends asked us to come over to their house to show us their photos from their recent trip back from our homeland. I was blind sighted when they announced they too were pregnant! I wasn’t aware that they were planning to have a family, but again, tears of joy rolled down my cheeks. She’s due to give birth early November.

That same evening, the same group of friends came over to our house for dinner – to celebrate.

My husband opened a bottle of Moet and a bottle of Pol Roger to celebrate my best friend giving birth and another pregnancy on the way. The night was merry and when they all left with the exception of one other girl friend who was also trying to get pregnant & recently miscarried, had a bit of a cry reminding ourselves that within our close nit group, we were the only two left who hasn’t had their first child or expecting their first child.

There was no denying that I was happy for my girlfriends, however wondered why I wasn’t going through the same journey as them. I felt a pang of jealousy and a tinge of envy.

I soon made an appointment with the doctor to find out why it was taking us so long to conceive.

I had a blood test and ultra sound which both showed that I didn’t have any issues conceiving.

My husband then had his blood test which also showed that his hormone levels were normal, but that wasn’t enough. I made another appointment with the same doctor hoping to get further tests done for both my husband and perhaps a prescription for Clomid, but he referred us to the fertility specialist straight away.

I finally made the appointment with the specialist hoping he would simply prescribe me some Clomid to make me more fertile, but he requested I do another blood test to check if I was producing enough eggs. My husband on the other hand had to get further tests done.

A couple of weeks later, we received our results. I had plenty of eggs and was advised yet again that I didn’t have any issues getting pregnant, however my husband needed to get further tests done. The meeting with the doctor was a little mind blowing as I was expecting to be the one with the issue, however in hindsight, I wasn’t really surprised as my husband does have an illness and his medication may have affected him. The specialist mentioned that we may need to go through a procedure called ICSI which is something I have never heard of before. The only word I knew was IVF and didn’t know what the difference between the two was.

My husband had to do further tests and we’re due to receive the results in 3 weeks. In the meantime, I’ve been researching about ICSI and IVF and finding out the difference between the 2. I’ve had a bit of a cry, but know that if this is something which we have to do, then so be it.

September 6, 2012 Posted by | Tests & Results | , , , , , | Leave a comment