Our Journey

For Better or Worse

Should I Feel Guilty?

Went out for a drink with my close colleagues after work tonight… It was venting session time… Something we do to release the tension… We each have a turn, exchange stories over a drink.

An ex colleague decided to join us out of the blue…

As we we were ordering our second round of drinks, ES (the surprise guest) ordered a glass of orange juice. VL asked her if she was pregnant & ES replied with a “yes”. I wasn’t sure if she was joking or not so I asked again to confirm. Yes, she is!

The congratulations came around & we spoke about what she could & couldn’t eat. It was an exciting moment for us. It was unexpected as she just started a new job so we thought we she was coming to talk shop with us, as we always do.

As EG (another colleague) and I were leaving, we stopped by the bathroom first as we both had a long train trip ahead. A lady just came out of the bathroom & somehow she mentioned how stressful work has been. I said to her that I hope she’s drinking to make up for the stress & she replied by saying that she’s not drinking as she was trying to get pregnant.

I of course related to the scenario, at least the trying to get pregnant part, when another lady asked her how old she was. She was 41. The lady asked her why she waited so long & her reply was that she had a career. That hit me! I was in the similar situation, but a little younger.

A felt a tinge of guilt.

Was I wrong to be drinking with my girls?

I have to admit, I did! Not only that, I smoke too!

I know that a lot of readers would frown upon this! I frown upon this! Perhaps not so much re the drinking side, but definitely the smoking!

I do however have an appointment with the doctor on Monday to discuss this smoking addiction of mine. It has to stop! That, I know!

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October 5, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | Leave a comment

Confused….

Husband & I finally spoke very briefly about the what we needed to do.

I’ve looked at the dates and approximately when we should go through ICSI. Since it looks like I may need to go to Singapore for work in November, the we’re off to our Christmas cruise to the South Pacific in December, January seemed like the right time. This is of course provided work does send our team to Europe for a meeting in February!

I know! I know! It seems like I’m letting work take over our plans, but realistically we’re on a catch 22. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid which is what we need for the procedure, puts a shelter over our head, food in out mouth & clothes on our back. Yes, my husband works, but living in Sydney is not cheap by any means.

As husband and I were on our dinner date, he received an email from his mother advising him that she wants him to have his kidney transplant in January. That kind of blew me away!

As mentioned in my one of my previous entries, my husband has an illness. He has a kidney condition which has affected both kidneys and will eventually need a transplant. His mother has volunteered to be a kidney donor & since she’s not getting any younger, she wants him to have the transplant soon, in 4 months!

This has of course left me confused. I love my husband, there’s no denying that & I would be selfish to deprive him of this opportunity. It’s just now changed our plans. I can’t go through ICSI and him a kidney transplant, plus his mother be a donor.

O yes, I failed to mention that his mother lives in New York, so will need to come and live with us for a minimum of 6 months to be monitored after the surgery. I can’t possibly look after 2 recovering people & try getting pregnant at the same time. It’s just not going to work.

I was speechless when my husband told me this over dinner. I’m still confused and now lost as to what we need to do.

September 29, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , | 1 Comment

Finding Out What I Already Know…

Finding out the results from my husband’s test yesterday was not a surprise. Although secretly, I was hoping for a better outcome.

Unfortunately my husband wasn’t able to come with me due to work commitments. Some would say that it isn’t fair for me to go alone, but under the circumstances, I didn’t mind. I wasn’t sure how my husband would have handled knowing that he had very little chance of giving me a child naturally.

I tried explaining the results to my husband over the phone without hurting his feelings. I don’t think I did a very good job at it, or at least did a good job explaining it to him as he said we’d discuss it when he got home or the following evening. (He had work commitments after work)

I’m sure that he’s disappointed and hurting inside, but he’s just not the type of person to come out with his feelings. Instead, he just keeps quite which is worse as I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling! Does he think he’s dissapointed me? Does he think he’s incompetent? Is he in denial? Does he want to go through ICSI? I just don’t know!

It’s been over 24 hours since I’ve received the results and had ample of opportunity to discuss it with my husband, go through the forms provided to me, go through the procedure and timelines, but I haven’t had the courage to do so. All of the above thoughts are going through my mind. Maybe tomorrow I’ll discuss it with him.

Am I in denial? Am I hoping that the results might change?

Afraid so!

This morning, my best friend finally updated her Facebook status with: “Here we go again… 26 weeks to go!!” Another friend posted up a photo of their baby’s scan and 2 others had posted up photos of their new borns. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, I’m just feeling quite dissapointed that it’s not me!

September 28, 2012 Posted by | Tests & Results | , , , , | 1 Comment

Baby Talk Again…

Over a week ago, my husband and I were due to go back to Adelaide to visit our family before the Christmas period. I know it seems quite early, but as everyone is going overseas a month before Christmas, it seemed the perfect time.

Plus, it was my brother’s 40th on Saturday.

My husband and I opted to leave our car at my best friend’s apartment as she lived close to the airport. I was going to work from her place on that day, but my instinct told me not to as I wasn’t really in the mood to discuss our difficulties in getting pregnant with my best friend. Although she’s aware of it already as we discussed it over skype one day, I wasn’t ready for the face to face conversation. I didn’t want to be upset by the situation.

I booked a taxi from her place 5 minutes after we arrived at her place. Just enough time to say hi and good bye, but as we got upstairs, her husband was home early from work which normally means he would offer to take us to the airport. Not that I wasn’t appreciative, I just didn’t want to give them the opportunity to ask any questions. As it turned out, I cancelled the taxi as they were insisted he take us to the airport.

As we were chatting, my best friend looked at me and said she had something to tell me. I looked up at her and said jokingly: “You’re pregnant!” Was I ever surprised when she broke down in tears!

One, I didn’t expect her to be pregnant so soon. She only gave birth 7 months ago! Two, why was she crying? Was she not happy?

I asked her what was on my mind and her reply was: “You know why!”

I didn’t!

She pulled me aside to the nursery where she continued to cry & she finally managed to say that it was the wrong time as she knew we were having difficulties conceiving.

I was shocked by this as I was not expecting it. I wasn’t even thinking of the situation which my husband and I were in. I was just happy and excited for her. I consoled her and told her that it was fine, not to worry about us as we knew what we needed to do to make our own family.

As my husband and I boarded the plane, I sent my best friend a message to let her know we were ok and that we will be ok, but as I watched the in-flight entertainment, I started to get teary.

My joy and excitement for my best friend and her family continued, but I wondered why we were put in this situation. Not only does my husband have a serious kidney condition, but we now also face the challenge and the possibility of not having our own family. It broke my heart, but didn’t allow my husband to see the pain which hit me.

While in Adelaide, I took the opportunity to meet another girlfriend’s baby girl. She’s only about 5 weeks old and of course gorgeous. I held her from the moment we walked and she barely cried, at least until we were about to leave as she was hungry. While talking, all I hoped for was for my friend and her mother not to ask when we were going to plan on having our first child. It would just make it an uncomfortable situation as neither of them knew of our situation. Thank goodness no-one raised this question. I would have been open with my friend had she asked, but preferably on a one on one basis.

My aunt whom I approached a few weeks back came over to my mother’s house one evening. We chatted a bit about IVF as I knew that she done the procedure a few times. She openly informed me that she went through the cycle 3 times and all of these times, she wasn’t successful. I knew how much she wanted to have a child of her own as she treated all of my siblings, cousins and myself as her own. She encouraged me to go through the procedure. She advised me to do this now and not to wait any longer to which I agreed with of course.

We find out my husband’s result this Thursday from our specialist. Hopefully this will guide us as to what our next steps will need to be.

September 24, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , , | Leave a comment

Here We Are….

There are moments when you just sit down and reflect, look back where you came from and prepare yourself for the journey ahead.

11 years ago I found my soul mate.

To make a long story short…

My best friend and I were out on a cold August evening, ready to party the night away at our usual Saturday night hang out. Little did I know, that was the evening I was going to meet him.

There we were, making a dent on the dance floor when we both saw a dark guy with a goatee and glasses dancing up on stage like he owned it. We had a giggle to ourselves and made a joke that this guy looked like Puff Daddy, not realising he was one of our friend’s friend.

We continued to mind our own business, thinking we were the coolest girls in the club. Eventually, we were introduced to ‘Puff Daddy’ where our journey began.

My husband was on a business visa in Sydney for a couple of weeks, however ended up staying for five months. We travelled to Auckland in between to renew his visa, but when it was time for him to return to Texas, I lost control. I was a mess and didn’t realise how hard I had fallen for this gentle, affectionate, persistent and loving man.

We communicated via e-mail, phone and instant messenger. He came back to Sydney every two months and I visited him in Texas every six months for the next year. I offered to move to the States, however he refused as he knew I would be away from my family. He eventually applied for his residency in Australia and made the big move. It was tough for a few years as he didn’t have a job upon his arrival. In able to keep us afloat, I worked two to three jobs.

We married in January 2011 and have been trying to get pregnant from the moment we came back from our wedding. That was 20 months ago.

In between these 20 months, 3 our very close friends (including my best friend who I was with when I met my husband) have had their first child and another is due in a couple of months.

When my best friend announced that she was pregnant, tears of joy fell down my cheeks. Although it wasn’t much of a surprise as we just came back from a couple’s trip and noticed that she wasn’t smoking, drinking and had put on weight, I was happy for her and her husband, there was no doubt about that. I now have a beautiful god daughter.

When the next friend announced that she was pregnant, again, I was happy for her and her husband as I knew they had been trying for quite some time and went through a tough time when she had miscarried a couple of months back. She now has a gorgeous little boy.

One evening early this year, a received a phone call from another friend to announce that she too was pregnant. That was a surprise as we were just discussing pregnancy a month prior during my trip back home. Again, exciting news! She now has a gorgeous little girl whom I’m looking forward to meeting next week.

A few months back, another couple of our friends asked us to come over to their house to show us their photos from their recent trip back from our homeland. I was blind sighted when they announced they too were pregnant! I wasn’t aware that they were planning to have a family, but again, tears of joy rolled down my cheeks. She’s due to give birth early November.

That same evening, the same group of friends came over to our house for dinner – to celebrate.

My husband opened a bottle of Moet and a bottle of Pol Roger to celebrate my best friend giving birth and another pregnancy on the way. The night was merry and when they all left with the exception of one other girl friend who was also trying to get pregnant & recently miscarried, had a bit of a cry reminding ourselves that within our close nit group, we were the only two left who hasn’t had their first child or expecting their first child.

There was no denying that I was happy for my girlfriends, however wondered why I wasn’t going through the same journey as them. I felt a pang of jealousy and a tinge of envy.

I soon made an appointment with the doctor to find out why it was taking us so long to conceive.

I had a blood test and ultra sound which both showed that I didn’t have any issues conceiving.

My husband then had his blood test which also showed that his hormone levels were normal, but that wasn’t enough. I made another appointment with the same doctor hoping to get further tests done for both my husband and perhaps a prescription for Clomid, but he referred us to the fertility specialist straight away.

I finally made the appointment with the specialist hoping he would simply prescribe me some Clomid to make me more fertile, but he requested I do another blood test to check if I was producing enough eggs. My husband on the other hand had to get further tests done.

A couple of weeks later, we received our results. I had plenty of eggs and was advised yet again that I didn’t have any issues getting pregnant, however my husband needed to get further tests done. The meeting with the doctor was a little mind blowing as I was expecting to be the one with the issue, however in hindsight, I wasn’t really surprised as my husband does have an illness and his medication may have affected him. The specialist mentioned that we may need to go through a procedure called ICSI which is something I have never heard of before. The only word I knew was IVF and didn’t know what the difference between the two was.

My husband had to do further tests and we’re due to receive the results in 3 weeks. In the meantime, I’ve been researching about ICSI and IVF and finding out the difference between the 2. I’ve had a bit of a cry, but know that if this is something which we have to do, then so be it.

September 6, 2012 Posted by | Tests & Results | , , , , , | Leave a comment