Our Journey

For Better or Worse

Loneliness

It’s been 3 weeks now since my husband and I had our argument.
We’re still not the same. I’ve apologised, I’ve tried to redeem myself, but he’s still distant.
Not sure if we’ll ever recover from this.

I’ve tried speaking to him about it, but he’s not very forthcoming. There would be times when he’s talking & making jokes with my niece & nephew & my brother, but when it’s just he & I, he’s distant. Not sure where I stand anymore.

This isn’t how I envisioned our life together. Is this normal? Out of the 12 years and a half years we’ve been together, we have never felt this distance between us. I’m not sure if this is the beginning to our end. I hope not. I’d like to be optimistic about all of this, hoping and wishing that things will be fine down the track, but I’m not so sure.

Was I being unreasonable to lose my patience when on the night we were about to move? I didn’t think I was at the time, but not sure anymore. I was on conference calls pretty much all day that day, trying to ensure that I was on top of my work before I took 2 days off for the move, pack, get rid of all our stuff by selling them & giving them away and cleaning the place at the same time. He was nowhere in site. I tried to call him for assistance but he said he wouldn’t be able to get home in time. I wasn’t sure where he was. He didn’t get home till almost midnight! The house almost clean by the time he got home. I hadn’t had any dinner & was exhausted from the day I had. Was I out of bounds by losing my temper?

I don’t know, I just don’t know anymore if we’d be able to work it out.

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February 6, 2013 Posted by | Feelings | | Leave a comment

Homesick

I know that it’s been a while since I’ve written here…

Well, my husband & I finally relocated & I’m not really sure whether what I’m feeling is out of homesickness or loneliness.

In the past, I would simply update a cryptic status update on Facebook to express how I’m feeling, whether I’m having a good day or a bad day, but it was easier then… My family wasn’t living a few suburbs away…. They were interstate. Now, I live under my patents’ roof, I’m finding it difficult to even update my status on Facebook as I feel everyone’s eyes are on me, judging to see if I feel as though I’ve made the right move or not.

It’s a strange feeling being out of your comfort zone. You can’t express your true feelings, your true self!

So, here I am, expressing myself on this page – for strangers to see!

I’m lonely! And yes even with my husband around.
You see, we had a pretty huge argument the day before we were moving!
I was a complete bitch, where I called him useless who couldn’t keep a job & now I have to support him! (God! Writing this upsets me! I haven’t been able to fully express this to anyone!)
He of course got upset to the point where it’s been 5 days and we’ve barely spoken. This I’m finding hard too since we’re the kind of couple who say “I love you!” to each other at east 10x per day, give each other kisses & hugs pretty much every hour.

Another thing which upset me is that today my younger brother pretty much tells me that I’m not stable and won’t buy a house with me. Quiet offending really! The fact that he said this in front of my parents, especially my father upset me even more. He didn’t have faith in me & has no idea how much money I earn nor how much money I have in the bank. This was purely his judgement because my husband and i decided to move in with my parents. I tried to hide my disappointment and hurt by just walking away and pretended that I had to continue my work… I really just went back to my office to have a bit of a teary moment.

I really have no one to speak to about this.
I’d prefer not to discuss this with my husband as he would simply get upset & that’s the last thing I want to do. He doesn’t need to know the family issues we’re having as this will simply make him feel uncomfortable.

I don’t want to speak to my friends about this as I don’t want them knowing the challenges I’m facing. There’s nothing they can do and therefore see no point.

It’s definitely hard losing your independence and your privacy!
I remember feeling this exact loneliness when I moved out of this exact same city. Now that I’m back, I’m feeling it all over again.

January 21, 2013 Posted by | Feelings | , , , , | Leave a comment

Lost, Confused, Bitter

I know it’s been a while since I’ve logged on or made an entry. I’ve been trying to digest and work out my feelings about what’s happened to us recently.

Well, on my last day in Singapore for work, I phoned my husband to check in. It’s a daily ritual for us if either of us is away for work. I asked him how he was & at first I thought he was only joking when he replied by saying “terrible”. I asked why as I put another mouthful of breakfast in my mouth. Appetite was lost!

Unfortunately he was let go at work & this time he’s decided he wanted to study and get his MBA instead of going back to work. I felt for him, I felt for me. I needed to be supportive not to upset him more than he already was so I said I’d support him in his decision.

I was of course in a panic for the rest of the day! How in world were we going to survive in expensive Sydney and go through IVF? Was my income sufficient enough for the both if us? I’m not young any longer where I can work 2 or 3 jobs like I used to in able to support the 2 of us. I don’t want to work multiple jobs anymore! My mind was working overtime! I was confused, hurt, angry & yet had to keep my composure at work in front of my colleagues.

So, here I am, a little over 3 weeks before this bad news came to our world. I’m still confused, hurt, angry & now bitter!

A couple of days after my arrival back home, he tells me that he wanted to study full time & to move to Adelaide! I should be excited with all of this, but additional to this news was moving in with my parents. I’ve often said I wanted to move back home & be closer to my family, I just didn’t expect to be living with my parents. I’m 36 years old who hasn’t lived at home since the age of 16 & now my husband wants US to live with my parents! I was petrified! I’m still petrified! I didn’t know how my parents would react to that so I called my younger brother who thought it was a brilliant idea. “Ma and Pa would be excited!” he said! “Ma & Pa needs someone to live with them.” he said. I must admit, that made me feel a little better, but I needed to hear it from my mother! I needed to know what she had to say, but they just left for an overseas trip for a couple of months. I was nervous & anxious to speak to her. What was I going to say? How am I going to say it?

I also called my cousin whom I grew very close with in the last 6 years. I really didn’t want to upset her by her hearing my trembly voice as it was her birthday, but I needed to talk to someone! I needed to release. Once she picked up the phone, I bawled my eyes out. I could hear in her voice that she was concerned, she wanted to come by but had already scheduled to spend the day with her family. I was ok with that, I just really needed to release and cry! I know it was selfish of me to do it on her birthday, I just couldn’t help it. If there was one person who could understand my feelings, it was her!

I managed to get hold of my parents and advised my mother of the situation. Not surprisingly, she was supportive and actually said that as soon as they come home, she’ll clean our room ready for us. I must admit I was relieved. It was like a weight off my shoulders.

So here I am, husband has applied for at the University of SA, still waiting for confirmation as to whether he’s been accepted. He’s also applied at Newcastle University which would lead me to another feeling of bitterness and confusion. Why Newcastle?

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned before by my husband’s best friend moved to Newcastle in September with his family. I couldn’t help think, “Does he want to move to Newcastle to be closer to his friend?” But I would try and deny that, trying to convince myself that my husband is more logical and stable than that.

So these are some of my thoughts. Each day they change. There are happy days, there are days that I cry, days of I motivation, days of anger…. I guess I’m a roller coaster of emotions at the moment. Each day a new thought comes into my mind.

What about IVF? I’d have to put that on hold again until we’re settled as I can’t possibly be going through IVF and move my home at the same time.

Will work allow me to move in a state where we don’t have a office? I work remotely so I’m hoping my boss will be ok with that.

What about when my husband’s needs to have his kidney transplant? Will that mean that his mum will have to live with my parents too? That’s a bit much for them. Not only are they going to have to adjust for me, but now I’m taking home my husband & possibly his mum too!

How am I going to sell all of our stuff, our furniture, appliances? How am I going to move all that?

I’ve been a very independent person! Lived on my own at the age of 16, paid for my own education & worked multiple jobs to survive & now, moving home at 36!

This is all too much!

December 8, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , | Leave a comment

Shattered Hope….

Today is my first day of my monthly, which was a couple of days late, which is normally on time.
Was I shattered when it finally arrived this morning!

I had hoped for a miracle. I was hoping I could justify the constant craving for chocolates, the constant tiredness, but to no avail, these were simply symptoms of PMS.

The last 2 days, I dreamt of how I would tell my husband that I was late, how I would tell our family and friends that we are expecting, how I would try and avoid drinking wine with my friends during our social gatherings! Yes, it was just a dream & it was to remain a dream!

Now, to drink my tea, go for a run to clear my head and get rid of the excess junk I’ve indulged in for a week! I might as well get rid of this weight I’m putting on for no good reason!

October 26, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , | Leave a comment

Should I Feel Guilty?

Went out for a drink with my close colleagues after work tonight… It was venting session time… Something we do to release the tension… We each have a turn, exchange stories over a drink.

An ex colleague decided to join us out of the blue…

As we we were ordering our second round of drinks, ES (the surprise guest) ordered a glass of orange juice. VL asked her if she was pregnant & ES replied with a “yes”. I wasn’t sure if she was joking or not so I asked again to confirm. Yes, she is!

The congratulations came around & we spoke about what she could & couldn’t eat. It was an exciting moment for us. It was unexpected as she just started a new job so we thought we she was coming to talk shop with us, as we always do.

As EG (another colleague) and I were leaving, we stopped by the bathroom first as we both had a long train trip ahead. A lady just came out of the bathroom & somehow she mentioned how stressful work has been. I said to her that I hope she’s drinking to make up for the stress & she replied by saying that she’s not drinking as she was trying to get pregnant.

I of course related to the scenario, at least the trying to get pregnant part, when another lady asked her how old she was. She was 41. The lady asked her why she waited so long & her reply was that she had a career. That hit me! I was in the similar situation, but a little younger.

A felt a tinge of guilt.

Was I wrong to be drinking with my girls?

I have to admit, I did! Not only that, I smoke too!

I know that a lot of readers would frown upon this! I frown upon this! Perhaps not so much re the drinking side, but definitely the smoking!

I do however have an appointment with the doctor on Monday to discuss this smoking addiction of mine. It has to stop! That, I know!

October 5, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | Leave a comment

Confused….

Husband & I finally spoke very briefly about the what we needed to do.

I’ve looked at the dates and approximately when we should go through ICSI. Since it looks like I may need to go to Singapore for work in November, the we’re off to our Christmas cruise to the South Pacific in December, January seemed like the right time. This is of course provided work does send our team to Europe for a meeting in February!

I know! I know! It seems like I’m letting work take over our plans, but realistically we’re on a catch 22. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid which is what we need for the procedure, puts a shelter over our head, food in out mouth & clothes on our back. Yes, my husband works, but living in Sydney is not cheap by any means.

As husband and I were on our dinner date, he received an email from his mother advising him that she wants him to have his kidney transplant in January. That kind of blew me away!

As mentioned in my one of my previous entries, my husband has an illness. He has a kidney condition which has affected both kidneys and will eventually need a transplant. His mother has volunteered to be a kidney donor & since she’s not getting any younger, she wants him to have the transplant soon, in 4 months!

This has of course left me confused. I love my husband, there’s no denying that & I would be selfish to deprive him of this opportunity. It’s just now changed our plans. I can’t go through ICSI and him a kidney transplant, plus his mother be a donor.

O yes, I failed to mention that his mother lives in New York, so will need to come and live with us for a minimum of 6 months to be monitored after the surgery. I can’t possibly look after 2 recovering people & try getting pregnant at the same time. It’s just not going to work.

I was speechless when my husband told me this over dinner. I’m still confused and now lost as to what we need to do.

September 29, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , | 1 Comment

Baby Talk Again…

Over a week ago, my husband and I were due to go back to Adelaide to visit our family before the Christmas period. I know it seems quite early, but as everyone is going overseas a month before Christmas, it seemed the perfect time.

Plus, it was my brother’s 40th on Saturday.

My husband and I opted to leave our car at my best friend’s apartment as she lived close to the airport. I was going to work from her place on that day, but my instinct told me not to as I wasn’t really in the mood to discuss our difficulties in getting pregnant with my best friend. Although she’s aware of it already as we discussed it over skype one day, I wasn’t ready for the face to face conversation. I didn’t want to be upset by the situation.

I booked a taxi from her place 5 minutes after we arrived at her place. Just enough time to say hi and good bye, but as we got upstairs, her husband was home early from work which normally means he would offer to take us to the airport. Not that I wasn’t appreciative, I just didn’t want to give them the opportunity to ask any questions. As it turned out, I cancelled the taxi as they were insisted he take us to the airport.

As we were chatting, my best friend looked at me and said she had something to tell me. I looked up at her and said jokingly: “You’re pregnant!” Was I ever surprised when she broke down in tears!

One, I didn’t expect her to be pregnant so soon. She only gave birth 7 months ago! Two, why was she crying? Was she not happy?

I asked her what was on my mind and her reply was: “You know why!”

I didn’t!

She pulled me aside to the nursery where she continued to cry & she finally managed to say that it was the wrong time as she knew we were having difficulties conceiving.

I was shocked by this as I was not expecting it. I wasn’t even thinking of the situation which my husband and I were in. I was just happy and excited for her. I consoled her and told her that it was fine, not to worry about us as we knew what we needed to do to make our own family.

As my husband and I boarded the plane, I sent my best friend a message to let her know we were ok and that we will be ok, but as I watched the in-flight entertainment, I started to get teary.

My joy and excitement for my best friend and her family continued, but I wondered why we were put in this situation. Not only does my husband have a serious kidney condition, but we now also face the challenge and the possibility of not having our own family. It broke my heart, but didn’t allow my husband to see the pain which hit me.

While in Adelaide, I took the opportunity to meet another girlfriend’s baby girl. She’s only about 5 weeks old and of course gorgeous. I held her from the moment we walked and she barely cried, at least until we were about to leave as she was hungry. While talking, all I hoped for was for my friend and her mother not to ask when we were going to plan on having our first child. It would just make it an uncomfortable situation as neither of them knew of our situation. Thank goodness no-one raised this question. I would have been open with my friend had she asked, but preferably on a one on one basis.

My aunt whom I approached a few weeks back came over to my mother’s house one evening. We chatted a bit about IVF as I knew that she done the procedure a few times. She openly informed me that she went through the cycle 3 times and all of these times, she wasn’t successful. I knew how much she wanted to have a child of her own as she treated all of my siblings, cousins and myself as her own. She encouraged me to go through the procedure. She advised me to do this now and not to wait any longer to which I agreed with of course.

We find out my husband’s result this Thursday from our specialist. Hopefully this will guide us as to what our next steps will need to be.

September 24, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , , | Leave a comment