Our Journey

For Better or Worse

Not Quite Ready Yet…

My 2 best friends know about us trying out IVF. I’ve kept them up to date except when I found out about my negative result. I did update my Facebook status the other day with “First day back to running in over a month….” hoping it’d be enough for my 2 besties to get the message without having to actually tell them the results. I came to realise that I wasn’t ready to speak about it just yet.

Now I understand why people don’t normally broadcast going through IVF or falling pregnant until 12 weeks. It’s too hard to actually talk about it & I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or my husband.

I’ve sent my besties a message advising them that it didn’t work out, both husband & I are ok, but not ready to talk about it. Message & privacy accepted. Hopefully it wasn’t too harsh for either of them.

Advertisements

August 26, 2014 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

From 9 to none!

I know I seem to be going back and forth with our experience, but I do tend to just write about what I’m feeling at the time.

Today, I wanted to share with you the numbers game…

During egg retrieval (as some would refer to as ER), they manged to collect 9 eggs. I was excited by this as I thought that those were great numbers and we’d have the ability to then freeze some!

I wanted to remember that day, the day they “fertilized my egg” so to say so, I took a photo of my palm where the embryologist had written the number of eggs retrieved.

2014-08-08 13.03.34By the time transfer day, there were 3 left & 1 was advanced with 11 cells.  That’s the one which was transferred as the other 2 weren’t as developed.

2014-08-12 18.02.55

I was told that they’d wait until the following day to see if the other 2 would develop and they’d let me know if they’re able to freeze that or not.  Unfortunately, they didn’t make it so no frozen embies for us.

 

 

 

August 25, 2014 Posted by | IVF | , , , , | Leave a comment

New Beginnings or Denial?

I’m really not sure if what I’m feeling is denial or am I stronger that I thought? I still haven’t cried, but I’ve had my quiet moments, feeling sorry for myself & for my husband, had a couple of cider and wine, but I’ve also tried not to dampen my relationship with my husband so we still had a few laughs here and there.

I went back to running today after a month off and determined more than ever to lose the belly I had before IVF which grew during the process.

I must admit, for a while there, I ate whatever I wanted with ver little guilt! I didn’t care as I felt I could hide the weight I was putting on during the pregnancy I was hoping for. Well, it’s now time to face the fact that if my belly grows, it’s not because there’s a life growing inside me, but simply fat accumulating in my tummy!

It’s also time to start saving again for the next round of treatment, so looking at working on my candles again to make some extra money to fund this.

I’m sad, excited and determined. I’m not going to give up on this! This is just another stumbling blocks given to us to test how strong we can be!

August 24, 2014 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Results Are In…

I called the clinic yesterday and informed the nurse of my slight bleeding. She asked if I wanted to go to and have the blood test sooner and of course I agreed. That was this morning at 8am. 3.5 hours later, I received a call, the quickest result I’ve ever received. As soon as I picked up that phone and heard the nurse’s voice, I knew it was over! It’s negative she says. I wasn’t quite sure how to react. I tell my husband the result and he said he had a feeling that was going to be the answer.

I haven’t cried, I haven’t grieved, I still don’t know how I should be feeling! Disappointed? Of course! But it is what it is, there’s nothing I nor my husband can do to change the result.

What’s next for us?

I think for now, we’ll have to concentrate on our new home, go on our Christmas & New Years holidays and re-visit this next year when we have saved again and can afford to go through the whole process again.

August 23, 2014 Posted by | Tests & Results | , | 1 Comment

Fast Forward…

It’s now August 2014, so about 14 months since I last posted.  So much has happened… travelled to so many different places, Cayman Island and got to swim with sting rays, went to Disneyworld in Orlando for the first time in my life, shopped in Miami, got to visit Taj Mahal, Jaipur, caught a train in Delhi to Agra, see the White House, the Rocky Balboa statue in Philly, see North Carolina lifestyle, see the London Eye, Buckingham Palace, walked on the London Tower Bridge, see Sagrada Familia, flew over the Alp, see an active volcano and Waikiki Beach and so much more.

So after all of these travelling, I decided it was time, time to finally settle and get our lives sorted out. Of course, discussion had to be had with the husband. I couldn’t make the decisions on my own, after all we were in a partnership.  We were going to make a decision whether to stay in Adelaide or go back to Sydney…  The conversation became debates to arguments. Husband wanted to go back and needless to say, so did I, but it wasn’t a realistic and economical decision for us. He had no intention on going back to the workforce and I couldn’t afford to support us living in Sydney.  And as contradicting as this may sound, I opted to purchase a townhouse in Adelaide instead.  I can afford to pay the mortgage here!  In fact, my mortgate was going to be less than my rent, so off I went and went through the whole process.

Next, I wanted a family so we decided to go ahead and proceed with IVF, the procedure which I put on hold for 18 months. It doesn’t come without any hurdle of course as during my blood test, they identified that I had Hypothyroidism.  My TSH which is meant to be between .4 to 4,7 was 55.24.  The specialist asked if I was feeling tired, losing hair, dry skin, feeling cold, depressed?  All of which I felt but simply ignored due to the different factors:

  • Tiredness – I was working long hours and travelled quite a bit. I drank a LOT of coffee to compensate for this although looking back, even after a few coffees, I still needed to take a nap
  • Losing hair – did’t really take much notice of it, but looking back at it now, there was a lot of hair on my carpet floor!
  • Dry skin – I simply put this to not drinking enough water due to winter hence the chapped lips
  • Feeling cold – it’s winter, you can’t help but feel cold!
  • Depressed – did I ever!  But I just put that down to stress at work & living with my parents at my age!

So after being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I had to get on Thyroxin for 6 weeks and wait for my TSH to go back to normal before we could start on the process to eliminate complications during the pregnancy & the health of our potential baby.

Once my TSH was back to normal and the first day of my cycle arrived, I started with my hormone injections.  They’re as follows:

  • Gonal F every night from Day 2 of my cyle for 8 nights
  • Organlutran began on Day 6 of my cycle for 6 nights
  • Ovidrel Trigger shot was on Day 11 of my cycle
  • Egg retrieval on 8 August
  • Egg transfer on 12 August

2014-08-02 21.07.43

During the above process, my mood swings were completely out of whack!  I’m already a moody person and I got to give to my husband for being patient with me.  I’ve been teary, irritible and just plain difficult to deal with!  My breasts were very sensitive for about a week and has since gone back to normal – no pain, but still slightly bigger than normal.

It’s now 22 August, which is 10DPT and I’m starting to bleed. I’m unsure if it’s implantation or if ICSI didn’t work.  I’ve called the clinic but unfortunately I haven’t been able to get hold of a nurse and now waiting for them to call me back.

I’ve held off with POAS as I’ve been told that this can at times be incorrect and a BT would be more accurate.  Besides, husband won’t allow me to purchase them anyway as he’d prefer to wait until BT day. That’s on Monday, 3 days from now!  I’m unsure if I’m going to be able to hold off!

I’ve been a reading a lot of forums to see if this is normal and it seems that some still come up with a BFP even when they do bleed so I guess really, I won’t know until Monday afternoon!

 

August 22, 2014 Posted by | IVF | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Life Full of Contradictions…

Husband & I have been living with my parents for almost 5 months now. Tonight was the first night my father actually spoke to me, I mean in terms of conversation. I don’t even know if that was a conversation or just lecturing!

During dinner my mother asked why I was going to be in the US for so long & if it was all for work. I didn’t understand why she asked me this question as she knew full we’ll that part of it is a holiday. She was there when I was having a conversation with my cousin organising the trip. Nevertheless, I told her that part of it was for a vacation. She didn’t seem pleased with my response so I asked if I didn’t have the right to have a holiday. Probably not the best thing to say, but it just rolled out f my tongue. I think she was taken aback by this & definitely my father. It clearly bothered him as he asked if I knew I was leaving someone behind, meaning my husband. Of course I knew! But I couldn’t tell him that, after all, I am still the daughter. He continued to lecture me on the following:

-my husband doesn’t work & he couldn’t understand why he can’t have job as well as study. It’s a man’s job to work for a living! I explained to him that Husband is looking for a part tim job & that husband supported me while we were living in Sydney. This just brought another question as to where my money is as I have been or working since the age of 14. I explained that I lived in Sydney & life is challenging there. That just brought on another lecture of – I should know better – meaning I should have moved back to Adelaide to void the hardship! -my mother washing his clothes. I explained that mother will not let us wash the clothes -it pains him to see me working. I explained that I enjoy my job! He still continued to say it hurts him to see me work. -my brother working night shift & then going for a run everyday! I explained that it’s his choice! -how they don’t go out eating out all the time as their income is just enough for 2! I had plenty of comebacks for that but I shut my mouth! -how they want to go on holidays too. I told him that he can too but he said it’s not that easy! Again, I had plenty to say about that too, but I shut my mouth. -how he wants to take his sister on a holiday as she’s never been on a plane.

I stopped commenting as we’d just get into an argument! There was a lot of anger and emotions flowing inside me, but I kept it all in. There was no use! All he would as is I’m defending my husband. Yes, I am as my husband has treated me well. Yes, I clean up after him, and so does my mother for him, her husband. Just before dinner, she was irritated that he wouldn’t eat dinner until she had prepared it for him. Yes, he is brings in the money and so is she! My husband was bringing in the money too, paid for my holidays in the past, took me out to dinner, bought me jewellery and more! Yes, we have arguments, yes we fight, we have challenges, but we support each other & we’re happy!

June 6, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Loneliness

It’s been 3 weeks now since my husband and I had our argument.
We’re still not the same. I’ve apologised, I’ve tried to redeem myself, but he’s still distant.
Not sure if we’ll ever recover from this.

I’ve tried speaking to him about it, but he’s not very forthcoming. There would be times when he’s talking & making jokes with my niece & nephew & my brother, but when it’s just he & I, he’s distant. Not sure where I stand anymore.

This isn’t how I envisioned our life together. Is this normal? Out of the 12 years and a half years we’ve been together, we have never felt this distance between us. I’m not sure if this is the beginning to our end. I hope not. I’d like to be optimistic about all of this, hoping and wishing that things will be fine down the track, but I’m not so sure.

Was I being unreasonable to lose my patience when on the night we were about to move? I didn’t think I was at the time, but not sure anymore. I was on conference calls pretty much all day that day, trying to ensure that I was on top of my work before I took 2 days off for the move, pack, get rid of all our stuff by selling them & giving them away and cleaning the place at the same time. He was nowhere in site. I tried to call him for assistance but he said he wouldn’t be able to get home in time. I wasn’t sure where he was. He didn’t get home till almost midnight! The house almost clean by the time he got home. I hadn’t had any dinner & was exhausted from the day I had. Was I out of bounds by losing my temper?

I don’t know, I just don’t know anymore if we’d be able to work it out.

February 6, 2013 Posted by | Feelings | | Leave a comment

Homesick

I know that it’s been a while since I’ve written here…

Well, my husband & I finally relocated & I’m not really sure whether what I’m feeling is out of homesickness or loneliness.

In the past, I would simply update a cryptic status update on Facebook to express how I’m feeling, whether I’m having a good day or a bad day, but it was easier then… My family wasn’t living a few suburbs away…. They were interstate. Now, I live under my patents’ roof, I’m finding it difficult to even update my status on Facebook as I feel everyone’s eyes are on me, judging to see if I feel as though I’ve made the right move or not.

It’s a strange feeling being out of your comfort zone. You can’t express your true feelings, your true self!

So, here I am, expressing myself on this page – for strangers to see!

I’m lonely! And yes even with my husband around.
You see, we had a pretty huge argument the day before we were moving!
I was a complete bitch, where I called him useless who couldn’t keep a job & now I have to support him! (God! Writing this upsets me! I haven’t been able to fully express this to anyone!)
He of course got upset to the point where it’s been 5 days and we’ve barely spoken. This I’m finding hard too since we’re the kind of couple who say “I love you!” to each other at east 10x per day, give each other kisses & hugs pretty much every hour.

Another thing which upset me is that today my younger brother pretty much tells me that I’m not stable and won’t buy a house with me. Quiet offending really! The fact that he said this in front of my parents, especially my father upset me even more. He didn’t have faith in me & has no idea how much money I earn nor how much money I have in the bank. This was purely his judgement because my husband and i decided to move in with my parents. I tried to hide my disappointment and hurt by just walking away and pretended that I had to continue my work… I really just went back to my office to have a bit of a teary moment.

I really have no one to speak to about this.
I’d prefer not to discuss this with my husband as he would simply get upset & that’s the last thing I want to do. He doesn’t need to know the family issues we’re having as this will simply make him feel uncomfortable.

I don’t want to speak to my friends about this as I don’t want them knowing the challenges I’m facing. There’s nothing they can do and therefore see no point.

It’s definitely hard losing your independence and your privacy!
I remember feeling this exact loneliness when I moved out of this exact same city. Now that I’m back, I’m feeling it all over again.

January 21, 2013 Posted by | Feelings | , , , , | Leave a comment

Lost, Confused, Bitter

I know it’s been a while since I’ve logged on or made an entry. I’ve been trying to digest and work out my feelings about what’s happened to us recently.

Well, on my last day in Singapore for work, I phoned my husband to check in. It’s a daily ritual for us if either of us is away for work. I asked him how he was & at first I thought he was only joking when he replied by saying “terrible”. I asked why as I put another mouthful of breakfast in my mouth. Appetite was lost!

Unfortunately he was let go at work & this time he’s decided he wanted to study and get his MBA instead of going back to work. I felt for him, I felt for me. I needed to be supportive not to upset him more than he already was so I said I’d support him in his decision.

I was of course in a panic for the rest of the day! How in world were we going to survive in expensive Sydney and go through IVF? Was my income sufficient enough for the both if us? I’m not young any longer where I can work 2 or 3 jobs like I used to in able to support the 2 of us. I don’t want to work multiple jobs anymore! My mind was working overtime! I was confused, hurt, angry & yet had to keep my composure at work in front of my colleagues.

So, here I am, a little over 3 weeks before this bad news came to our world. I’m still confused, hurt, angry & now bitter!

A couple of days after my arrival back home, he tells me that he wanted to study full time & to move to Adelaide! I should be excited with all of this, but additional to this news was moving in with my parents. I’ve often said I wanted to move back home & be closer to my family, I just didn’t expect to be living with my parents. I’m 36 years old who hasn’t lived at home since the age of 16 & now my husband wants US to live with my parents! I was petrified! I’m still petrified! I didn’t know how my parents would react to that so I called my younger brother who thought it was a brilliant idea. “Ma and Pa would be excited!” he said! “Ma & Pa needs someone to live with them.” he said. I must admit, that made me feel a little better, but I needed to hear it from my mother! I needed to know what she had to say, but they just left for an overseas trip for a couple of months. I was nervous & anxious to speak to her. What was I going to say? How am I going to say it?

I also called my cousin whom I grew very close with in the last 6 years. I really didn’t want to upset her by her hearing my trembly voice as it was her birthday, but I needed to talk to someone! I needed to release. Once she picked up the phone, I bawled my eyes out. I could hear in her voice that she was concerned, she wanted to come by but had already scheduled to spend the day with her family. I was ok with that, I just really needed to release and cry! I know it was selfish of me to do it on her birthday, I just couldn’t help it. If there was one person who could understand my feelings, it was her!

I managed to get hold of my parents and advised my mother of the situation. Not surprisingly, she was supportive and actually said that as soon as they come home, she’ll clean our room ready for us. I must admit I was relieved. It was like a weight off my shoulders.

So here I am, husband has applied for at the University of SA, still waiting for confirmation as to whether he’s been accepted. He’s also applied at Newcastle University which would lead me to another feeling of bitterness and confusion. Why Newcastle?

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned before by my husband’s best friend moved to Newcastle in September with his family. I couldn’t help think, “Does he want to move to Newcastle to be closer to his friend?” But I would try and deny that, trying to convince myself that my husband is more logical and stable than that.

So these are some of my thoughts. Each day they change. There are happy days, there are days that I cry, days of I motivation, days of anger…. I guess I’m a roller coaster of emotions at the moment. Each day a new thought comes into my mind.

What about IVF? I’d have to put that on hold again until we’re settled as I can’t possibly be going through IVF and move my home at the same time.

Will work allow me to move in a state where we don’t have a office? I work remotely so I’m hoping my boss will be ok with that.

What about when my husband’s needs to have his kidney transplant? Will that mean that his mum will have to live with my parents too? That’s a bit much for them. Not only are they going to have to adjust for me, but now I’m taking home my husband & possibly his mum too!

How am I going to sell all of our stuff, our furniture, appliances? How am I going to move all that?

I’ve been a very independent person! Lived on my own at the age of 16, paid for my own education & worked multiple jobs to survive & now, moving home at 36!

This is all too much!

December 8, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , | Leave a comment

Shattered Hope….

Today is my first day of my monthly, which was a couple of days late, which is normally on time.
Was I shattered when it finally arrived this morning!

I had hoped for a miracle. I was hoping I could justify the constant craving for chocolates, the constant tiredness, but to no avail, these were simply symptoms of PMS.

The last 2 days, I dreamt of how I would tell my husband that I was late, how I would tell our family and friends that we are expecting, how I would try and avoid drinking wine with my friends during our social gatherings! Yes, it was just a dream & it was to remain a dream!

Now, to drink my tea, go for a run to clear my head and get rid of the excess junk I’ve indulged in for a week! I might as well get rid of this weight I’m putting on for no good reason!

October 26, 2012 Posted by | Feelings | , , | Leave a comment